We did have a very nice weekend and my first Mother’s Day was wonderful. I’m going to post a bunch of pictures of that another day this week, because I think we got some great ones of C playing outside on Sunday.
However, the weeks on either side of that wonderful weekend have been… challenging. I worked a whole bunch of shifts in a row. Something like 4 out of 5. And yes, I am aware that normal people work 5 days in a row. Normal people don’t have codes, dinging alarms they hear in their sleep, night shift, and oh yes, new parents trusting you to take care of their baby for the next 12 hours. The days were difficult and I was not getting home until 9 at night, and Charlie was still awake… which I know is probably not the best plan but I do love to see him. (As a side note I do not love that being awake that late usually makes him fussy… and he still wakes up in the middle of the night.) (I know that I am the one to blame for the night wakings because I still feed him… he’s not going to stop now, “he has me trained”. Brandon and the doctor agree on that point. I try not to complain, and truly I don’t usually mind. But its just that last week it was adding to my exhaustion.)
All this to say I was tired. And cranky. Just ask my husband. I had lost my patience and perspective. Then a few things happened to remind me… to slow down… and be thankful for my family because Brandon and Charlie are the greatest, be thankful for my job because I get to see miracles almost every day, be thankful for supportive family and friends because I am blessed. A sweet family in the NICU, going through one the darkest times of their lives took the time to pray for the doctors and nurses… saying special things about everyone. They were going through something no parent should have to face, and they were praying for us? It was humbling. I cried on the way home that night. And I hugged my little guy a lot tighter that night.
I’m feeling better today, after my last two night shifts which always make me feel like a zombie. The babies I have been worried about are, for the most part, doing better. But as a parent, there is nothing more terrifying than the thought of losing a child. As a nurse, there is nothing that makes me feel quite so helpless and frustrated as seeing it happen. I’ve received some much needed perspective lately. So I’m wishing I could do more, wishing I had better answers, and saying some prayers for patients and friends today…